martian lizard

Text

Little Fish

FADE IN:

SERIES OF SHOTS:

A) A goldfish and bowl fill the screen.

B) A black Neon sign in electric blue, only three letters visible; a capital B and lower case L and I. The B fizzles out.

C) A chessboard, the pieces slide from random positions into game ready ones.

D) A running terrified man’s face breathing heavily.

E) Bright red lipstick being applied to lips.

F) The neon glare in a Hackney Cab’s window.

G) A pug faced dog licking its drooling jowls.

H) Handguns being cocked and holstered.

I) A skateboard being flipped and landed on.

J) The back of a broad shouldered man in a camel hair jacket.

K) A homeless man turning over in his sleeping bag.

L) The SQUAWK of a police radio.

INT. BRENDAN’S FLAT, KITCHEN – NIGHT

Open on a gleaming white fastidiously clean kitchen. BRENDAN GLEESON (27) is on a cordless phone perched between neck and ear, his hands free, leaning on one and wiping the counter down with another.

BRENDAN

(on phone)

I know Sis… I will, I promise. I’m just not ready for it all. Not now. Not just yet.

He chats with his sister KAREN.

KAREN (O.O.V.)

(on phone)

You’ve got to get back out there. Get back on the horse. Carol left. Get over it. Move on. It’s been over a year!

BRENDAN

(on phone)

It has not been a year.

It’s been eleven months. Besides I am far too busy.

Brendan opens a cutlery drawer and picks a fork out of the knife tray and places it in the fork tray.

KAREN (O.O.V.)

(on phone)

What fussing over knives and forks?

BRENDAN

(on phone)

No.

(blushes)

Brendan SLAMS the draw and saunters around the kitchen. He idly wipes surfaces, straightens tea and coffee jars so that they are symmetrical as he does.

KAREN (O.O.V.)

(on phone)

You’re lying Bren. I know you too well.

He sprinkles fish food into a large goldfish bowl. It misses and lands on the counter.

He moves a piece on a chessboard that has been set up with a game half played out.

(beat)

He checks his move before spinning it round.

BRENDAN

(on phone)

Besides I can’t go out tonight I’ve got the whole evening planned.

Brendan peeks through the service hatch.

LIVING ROOM

Placed on a coffee table are three cans of lager, cutlery and a jigsaw, all neat and symmetrical.

KITCHEN

KAREN (O.O.V.)

(on phone)

Bren I just want you to know that I love you and you have forced me to do this. But…

It’s for your own good.

BRENDAN

(on phone)

Sis? What are you talking about?

KAREN (O.O.V.)

(on phone)

I set you up. On a date.

Brendan looks horrified

KAREN (CONT’D)

(on phone)

A friend from work. I really think you two will get on.

BRENDAN

(on phone)

What? When?

KAREN (O.O.V.)

(on phone)

Tonight. Trust me, you’re made for each other. You have to go too because I already said you would. Other than going to work you haven’t left the flat for months. I’m sorry Bren but it’s for your own good.

BRENDAN

(on phone)

You keep saying that.

Ring her! Cancel! Tell her I can’t make it.

KAREN (O.O.V.)

(on phone)

No Bren, I won’t. For God’s sake it’s just a blind date. Get out. Have some fun. You’ll have a great time. I’ve written all the details down on a piece of paper by the breadbin.

Brendan holding the phone now, spins scanning the kitchen. He spots the slip of paper and picks it up.

BRENDAN

(on phone)

It just says the time and the place. Who is she, this woman?

Brendan reads and re-reads turning it over in the hope of more information.

KAREN (O.O.V.)

(on phone)

Theresa from work. She’s lovely. You’ll love her.

BRENDAN

(on phone)

That’s it? What does she look like? What’s she like? Sis, I’m sorry but I’m gonna need a bit more than that.

KAREN (O.O.V.)

(on phone)

She will be in red so you will be able to spot her. Have fun. I’ve got to shoot. Good luck.

BRENDAN

(on phone)

Sis? Hello? HELLO? Ah Christ! Sis!

KAREN (O.O.V.)

(on phone)

Just kidding. Seriously I do have to go. Remember she will be wearing red. Bye.

(hangs up)

DEAD LINE.

BRENDAN

Oh God!

He stares at the paper with mounting horror.

EXT. CITY STREET – NIGHT

Brendan whizzes past in the back of a hackney cab.

INTERCUT - INT. TAXI / BRENDAN’S FLAT – NIGHT

Brendan is dressed for his date in a beige suit and Mackintosh. He leans forward on his seat nervous and unable to get comfortable.

The taxi driver, MOHINDA PASHI (25) drives one handed and gesticulates wildly with the other.

Brendan grips his directions and spins in his seat trying to get his bearings.

Outside street signs and neon hoardings stream past.

Mohinda drives fast and erratically as if he is back in Delhi.

BRENDAN

Haven’t we been down this way already?

INTERCUT:

Inside Brendan’s fishbowl is a bright orange goldfish. Its mouth opens and closes, eying the sprinkled fish food on the counter.

INTERCUT:

MOHINDA

Please Sir, I know where we are going. Sit back. Stop pestering and let me do the driving.

BRENDAN

Look I’m sorry bit I’m meeting someone… I’m a bit nervous.

Mohinda turns in his seat ignoring the road for a moment.

INTERCUT:

The fish prepares to leap out of the bowl.

INTERCUT:

MOHINDA

Let me do the God damn driving!

BRENDAN

Look out!

Mohinda spins back in his seat and slams on the brakes barely missing a terrified OSCAR SLOTT (45).

(beat)

With both palms on the bonnet Oscar pauses breathing heavily.

(beat)

Oscar looks at something to his right out of sight then runs off to the left.

Mohinda is about to drive off as burly gangsters, MR ROAST and MR FLAX run past the front of the taxi after Oscar.

Mohinda brakes noisily again.

BRENDAN

That was weird.

MOHINDA

(comes to a decision)

Right.

He checks the road is finally clear then pulls aggressively to the curb.

BRENDAN

Are we here?

MOHINDA

Oh we’re here all right.

Brendan looks at his paper then looks around the street.

BRENDAN

I can’t seem to see…

MOHINDA

Eight pound seventy please.

Brendan hands over a ten pound note. Mohinda grabs it curtly.

BRENDAN

(getting out)

I can’t seem to see where…

EXT. STREET – NIGHT

Brendan stands at the window waiting for his change.

MOHINDA

(waves vaguely)

It is there. There!

BRENDAN

It doesn’t appear to be anywhere I can see…

MOHINDA

There! THERE!

Waving his arms like propellers he pulls off with a SQUEAL OF TYRES.

BRENDAN

Oh. Thank you. Hey you forgot my change.

Brendan stands for a moment clutching the piece of paper his back to the road.

(BEAT)

A car drives past close to the curb and drenches him completely in a huge watery arc.

Frozen in building anger he lets out a long drawn out sigh

An old man with a dog, ARTY RIBBS (62) and BIGGINS, walks past.

ARTY

You want to get in out of it Son. You’ll catch your death.

Brendan mutters after the retreating ARTY. He thinks to ask directions but the moment has passed.

He looks at watch then looks for someone to ask.

He spots an all night shop and crosses the road.

INT. PASHI ONE STOP SHOP – NIGHT

Brendan enters a multi-purpose shop that seems to sell everything.

As he steps up to the counter a burly man, VIC SHIELD (40) is on his way out. VIC wears a trilby and holds a polystyrene coffee cup. He looks Brendan up and down as he passes.

A smiling young Asian, VANGI PASHI (21) is behind the counter. Vangi is brimming with congeniality and the desire to help.

VANGI

Yu-yesssir?

BRENDAN

Oh yeah, hi. You don’t happen to know where this is do you?

He presents the paper, still holding it but near enough for Vangi to read.

His eyes flicker down to it, his smile becoming fixed. Then he shrugs and apologises in mime that he cannot help. Brendan shakes his head wearily.

VANGI

Anything?

BRENDAN

What? Er… Yeah. Tell you what, give me a pack of chewies.

Vangi turns and puts an industrial packet of condoms on the counter, there are about a thousand in it.

Brendan had turned round appraising the shop and did not see it being placed down. He turns back to the grinning Vangi first then looks down. He does a little double take.

BRENDAN

What the hell’s this? Chewies. Mints. God what am I going to do with all of them?

(MORE)

BRENDAN (CONT’D)

God I’m not Superman. If I wanted rubbers I’d have just three, not all them…

Brendan holds up three fingers.

Vangi grins widely as if admiring Brendan’s sexual prowess or confidence and nods turning and lifts up two more boxes of condoms and SLAMS them down next to the other one.

BRENDAN (CONT’D)

What you are doing now? No. No. I don’t want condoms. Understand. No condoms.

Vangi shakes his finger, now he understands and turns back and places a steaming cup of coffee on the counter and beams.

Brendan looks at him dumbfounded then slowly at the camera.

(BEAT)

VANGI

Cream and sugar?

Brendan stares at him blankly.

EXT. STREET - NIGHT

Brendan leaves the shop with the cup of coffee. He walks onto the pavement and runs his hand down his face looking up and down the street. He turns trying to decide what to do next.

As he does Vic walks up behind him hardly noticing Brendan seeing his shoelace is undone. He sighs and places his coffee cup on the car near him and bends down to tie them.

Brendan comes full circle and sees the other cup on the car. He shakes his head, who would do such a thing? And being the good citizen that he is takes it off the car.

Just as he does Vic stands up just under the original coffee cup in Brendan’s hand.

It stays balanced perfectly on Vic’s head. Brendan follows it up then becomes trapped in Vic’s eyes.

Vic looks angrily at Brendan. He smiles nervously back, his eyes flicking from the cup to his face. Vic notices HIS cup has gone from the car and sees the remaining one in Brendan’s hand.

VIC

Give me that.

His face like thunder he snatches the coffee cup out of Brendan’s hand, shaking his head, the nerve of some people.

He curtly barges past Brendan and walks off down the street barely noticing the odd looks he is getting from passing pedestrians.

Brendan watches him depart with mounting horror his fingers in his mouth, unable to look away.

Vic stops as if some sixth sense that there is something slightly awry that he can’t quite put his finger on.

He turns back and stares at Brendan, confused but burning the odd man into his memory. Then with a little shake of his head continues on.

Brendan still transfixed at this hideous accident waiting to happen. He can’t look away. Out of sight we hear a horrible man’s SCREAM. Brendan reacts and then thinking better turns and flees.

EXT. FURTHER UP STREET – NIGHT

Further up the street Brendan stops happy he has put enough distance between him and trouble.

As he looks up to take in his new surroundings he sees the large neon sign saying – LIZZARD – in electric blue and white.

He pulls his paper out and we see it for the first time: “THERESA - LIZARD LOUNGE – 8.30.”

His watch fills the screen as he checks the time, eight thirty one.

Brendan crosses the street to the bar, hardly noticing he is in a much seedier part of the city.

INT. THE BLIZZARD BAR – NIGHT

Brendan enters the bar through big double glass doors, shaking his coat as he walks in and out of shot. The camera stays on the door.

A large biker, TUCKER, is coming in behind him, he pauses on the steps and looks up.

EXT. STREET – NIGHT

TUCKER is looking up at the sign, he bangs a power box by the side of the door with his fist.

The capital B fizzes back on.

Back to street level, satisfied TUCKER continues on in. This is a regular occurrence.

INT. BLIZZARD BAR

Brendan has moved a little further in towards the bar. He finds an empty stool and getting his bearings sits and checks out the place.

Brendan’s POV as he scans for a red dressed woman, taking in first the scary pierced women behind the bar, POISON.

A little nod and smile for them but it is not returned. The bar is crowded with large hairy men and women in leather, tattoos and bandanas.

Chairs CREEK as they turn to look at the stranger among them.

Back to Brendan’s face, his smile becoming more fixed and set. He continues looking. Nodding and mouthing “Hellos” when his eyes unfortunately alight on the scary people watching him.

At the back there is a pool table area filled with smoke. The game being played stops, the low mumbled chatter stops and only the sound is of heavy rock playing over the jukebox.

Still nobody in red as he continues to look doing a complete full 360 degrees.

Large bikers start to crowd around him invading his personal space. He has to look awkwardly past a biker to see the lounge area near the window.

There sitting on her own is a stunning blonde in a tight red leather skirt and bodice. A long black coat covers her shoulders. Brendan spots her, smiles and waves. He waves at the woman.

Close up of the woman. Her eyes narrow, She has no idea who this guy is. This is EILEEN BARKER (25) con artist and prostitute.

Brendan’s smile is unrelenting and infectious.

Back to the woman. A seconds consideration and then her face breaks into a smile. She adjusts her coat revealing more of her ample glorious body.

BRENDAN

Excuse me.

Brendan squeezes through the crowding bikers and joins her. Still standing gawky and self-conscious.

BRENDAN (CONT’D)

Wow. You look… amazing.

She smiles. Remembering himself he sticks his hand out for her to shake.

BRENDAN (CONT’D)

I’m sorry. Brendan. Brendan Gleeson. Karen’s sister. Brother, I mean brother. Sorry I’m late.

EILEEN

That’s quite alright. I prefer a man to be… Late.

He blushes at the innuendo. Her smile becomes more predatory. She casually takes a cigarette out and lights it with a slim gold ladies lighter.

Tucker comes up behind Brendan, he senses him and turns to look. The biker is looking at her.

She mouths “Fuck off” with a flick of her head and he walks away eyeing up Brendan.

When Brendan turns back her smile has returned as if it had never been away.

BRENDAN

Whoa, where are my manners? Can I get you a drink?

EILEEN

Well of course you can sugar. Something ridiculously expensive. Champagne. It’s cheaper by the bottle.

BRENDAN

Of course it is.

EILEEN

Here let me take your coat. Get the drinks and warm yourself up next to me.

Brendan grinning like he has won the lottery takes his coat off and passes it to her. She drapes it over the back of the sofa. Still smiling.

BRENDAN

I’ll be right back.

She grins and squints, giving it the “I’ll be right here look”. He does a little shoe shuffle and points his fingers like they are spinning guns. He leaves to go to the bar.

Her smile instantly fades the second he has turned his back. Keeping one eye on him as she casually pads the pockets of his coat to see if there is anything of value concealed in it.

Brendan is at the bar getting less than stellar service from Poison the surly barmaid.

POISON

Look it’s company fucking policy. You either leave the fucking card or you don’t get any fucking drinks.

Beat Brendan slides his credit card across the bar.

BRENDAN

Thank you. You have been most helpful.

POISON

Fuck off maggot!

He turns back, returning with a bottle and two Champagne flutes.

She stops searching, switches back on the smile and pretends to brush the jacket. She pads the space next to her and he squeezes in next to her. He pours them both a drink spilling some in his haste.

Back at the bar Poison grins at the bikers and waves the credit card.

She bends down and pulls up the phone and an Argos catalogue from under the bar, flips it open and licking her finger between each page starts scanning. She puts a phone to her ear.

EILEEN

What shall we drink to?

They are snuggled up now facing each other about to make a toast.

BRENDAN

You know I very nearly never came. This isn’t the kind of thing I normally do. And the time I had getting here. But now. Now that I’m actually here…

She crosses her legs revealing vast amounts of thigh and pressing it tight against his leg. She shushes him, finger on lips and kisses him long and smouldering.

He catches his breath unsure if he can continue but after a moment’s pause he does.

BRENDAN (CONT’D)

You know this was, no is the smartest thing I have ever done. Theresa. Such a beautiful name.

EILEEN

I suppose so…

BRENDAN

Do you mind if I call you Theresa?

She puzzles this for a second and shrugs.

EILEEN

Honey as long as you’re paying you can call me whatever you like.

Brendan doesn’t register this straight away, still wrapped up in the moment.

They grin, CLINK their glasses and take sips.

They break from their clinch and the last sentence sinks in, a ripple of confusion on his brow.

BRENDAN

What a strange thing to say.

EILEEN

You’re not a copper are you?

BRENDAN

No, I’m an accountant.

EILEEN

Good. How do you want to do this?

BRENDAN

Oh right,

(places drink down)

Well I thought a few drinks, maybe a meal. Later I dunno, go to a club. Or if you’re not into dancing, maybe a movie.

EILEEN

Look darling, that’s all very sweet but I’m on a schedule. You’re an accountant, you understand. Time is money. Tick tock. Tick tock. Got your own pad? Car? Or maybe a hotel? The ally?

BRENDAN

A hotel? God no. I’ve got my own flat. I don’t drive. God Karen told you nothing.

EILEEN

Karen?

BRENDAN

Karen. Karen Gleeson. From work.

EILEEN

Karen? Karen. Is she blonde that works the pitch under the flyover by the cash and carry bins?

BRENDAN

No. She works at Dixon’s call centre in Edge Hill. I thought you worked there too.

She laughs and his belly make nervous noises.

EILEEN

No I don’t work there.

BRENDAN

My Sister? You work with my sister?

EILEEN

Your Sister’s a prostitute?

BRENDAN

NO!

They both look away lost in their own thoughts.

EILEEN

Look you seem like a nice guy. Look at me. Look at this body.

BRENDAN

You’re very beautiful.

EILEEN

Exactly. So let’s just go somewhere and fuck.

Brendan spasms and coughs his drink up.

He reaches for a napkin and knocks the drinks over, the bottle spilling over the table and down his leg.

He stands up fussing. She pulls a face. This is not worth the hassle.

BRENDAN

I’m so sorry…

EILEEN

It’s okay. Leave it. Go and clean yourself up. I’ll get this.

Brendan nods, his pants are wet all round the crotch, and his right leg is soaked from the knee down to his socks. He squeezes out and leaves to find the toilet.

EILEEN (CONT’D)

Oh and Brendan…

She crosses her legs suggestively, licking her red lips and heaving her breasts up to maximise her cleavage.

EILEEN (CONT’D)

Hurry.

Brendan clearly aroused has to placate an angry erection. It has been so long. His pace quickens. He catches Poison’s eye and mimes with his finger if he is going in the right direction for the toilet.

POISON

(the bird then mouths)

Fuck off.

BRENDAN

Thanks again.

CORRIDOR

Brendan disappears down a long dark corridor hopefully on the way to the toilets.

He squeezes past Tucker on the phone. He is ordering something and we pick up only bits. Tucker is taking up most of the narrow space and does not yield to Brendan even though he can clearly see him.

Brendan has to make himself as small as possible to get through but being a mouse he says nothing.

BRENDAN

Can I just squeeze past? Thanks. Sorry. Sorry. Got it. Ta.

We stay on Tucker as Brendan moves past. He turns back still engrossed on the phone.

TUCKER

(on phone)

Yeah. The black leather vibrating Lazy Boy with built in fridge.

He holds up Brendan’s card into shot and begins reading from it.

TUCKER (CONT’D)

(on phone)

Yeah, that’s Brendan Glesson. Yeah, it’s four, nine, nine…

INT. THE BLIZZARD BAR, TOILETS - NIGHT

Brendan enters by far the dirtiest toilets in history. It is dark, the lighting is low if not non-existent.

The hand dryer has been ripped off the wall. There is no door on the cubicle.

The basin looks like bites have been taken out of it. There is blood around the breaks as if someone’s head at sometime had been smashed against it.

The floor is wet with piss and leaks, loud drips echo and there is continuous running water sound.

The walls once Mayfair Blue are now chipped through to the plaster with holes, dents and scratches. Marked with graffiti, blood and smeared shit daubs.

Brendan gets some hand towels and toilet paper and tries to dry himself as best he can.

He spies the condom machine and his thoughts return to sex. He rummages in his pocket for change and pulls out a pound.

He goes to put his pound in but there is a sticky substance around the slit. It could be fresh phlegm or semen. Quite frankly he would rather not know. It clings to the pound in stringy threads.

Brendan grimaces and getting one of the paper towels cleans the slot. He slings the pound away. Her tries again but the machine is broken. In frustration he bangs it a few times.

The door bursts open making him jump. Two bikers, a young man and a young woman, MIDDEN and SAFFY fall through it locked in passion in each other’s arms. They eye him suspiciously up and down.

Brendan backs away up to the far wall and gives them a little don’t mind me wave.

They proceed to ignore him. Midden with one arm around Saffy’s waist rips open the condom machine with his free hand and begins feeling around inside.

Brendan – Eureka, why didn’t I think of that? Clever.

Success. He pulls out a condom triumphantly. This pleases Saffy and they begin smooching aggressively blocking up further access to the condom machine.

With stealth he edges forward, he teases his hand into the machine in the breaks between them rolling around the wall.

Eventually getting his hand in himself and feeling around. Empty. Damn! Midden got the last one.

BRENDAN

Hello. Excuse me. Hello.

He is invisible. Unseen and unheard to them. With considerable daring he taps Midden on the shoulder. Once. Nothing. Then twice, a little harder.

They stop and stare at him with utter malice. He moves back to a safer distance his palms up.

BRENDAN (CONT’D)

Hi. Hello. Sir. Madame.

They continue to stare at him blankly.

BRENDAN (CONT’D)

Yeah. Far be it for me to break up this magical romantic moment you’re both sharing but the condom currently clenched in your grubby fist is mine. I tried to put a pound in not realising you simply had to open the machine…

MIDDEN

You what?

SAFFY

Hit ‘im Midden.

BRENDAN

No wait. We don’t have to resort to violence. I don’t mean any offence but I was here first. I put my pound in. Two pound. Look I’m with a girl, she’s outside. We’re leaving in a minute. Look I need a condom…

MIDDEN

Fuck off. I’m using it.

They continue to kiss passionately. Brendan stands there beaten. Midden pulls down Saffy’s pants and unbuttons his fly, and begins putting the condom on.

BRENDAN

Oh you meant you’re using it right now.

He stands there stunned unable to tear himself away. The girl notices him still there. Midden first slows down, then stops.

MIDDEN

What’s up babe?

SAFFY

I can’t. Not with him watching.

Midden can’t believe the audacity of the stranger, surprised that he is still there. He pulls out. The girl leans on the wall and twiddles gum in her mouth with her free fingers.

MIDDEN

Fuckin’ ‘ell, you still here?

He grabs Brendan by the collar and the small of his back. Saffy cringes away from Brendan as if he were toxic.

SAFFY

Pervert.

He is frog marched out of the toilet deeper down the corridor and booting a fire escape open launches him out into the night.

Brendan protests physically and verbally but to no avail.

Midden pulls the door shut locking it. Slapping his palms together he returns to the waiting Saffy in the toilet.

MIDDEN

(shaking his head)

Filthy fuckin’ freaks… Ooh a pound. Cool.

He bends down to pick up Brendan’s discarded pound and shaking it dry. He puts it in his mouth to test it’s real. Then grinning slips it into his pocket.

Saffy pops her gum back in her mouth and they begin making out again.

EXT. BLIZZARD BAR, ALLY #1 - NIGHT

Brendan appears out of a pile of bin bags, coughing up rubbish. He jumps up, runs to the door and begins to bang on it crazily.

BRENDAN

Hey! Hey! Let me back in! I have a date in there and that’s my God damn condom! I HAVE A DATE IN THERE!

Close up of Brendan’s fists as he beats the door.

We drift through the woodwork to the other side.

INT. BLIZZARD BAR – NIGHT

The shot casually drifts up the corridor glancing left at the humping couple in the toilets going at it full speed now.

The pace quickens and we pass the phone. Another biker MULCH is on it now ordering something else with Brendan’s card details.

We move quicker into the bar. It’s a free for all now with Brendan’s card, everyone buying drinks and having a great time.

We glance over at the Eileen, she is fleecing Brendan’s coat for everything she can steal. She then flings his coat and walks out the door.

Tucker puts on Brendan’s raincoat for size.

We follow her out through the door.

EXT. STREET – NIGHT

She goes right but we go left. The pace quickens weaving through the pedestrians and traffic.

We catch little glimpses of the people we have already met. Arty and Biggins, Vic, Vangi, Mohinda and some others we have yet to meet.

The speed of the shot goes into overdrive and we shoot through the street. Then stopping abruptly.

EXT. THE LIZARD LOUNGE - NIGHT

Through glass doors we can see another woman in a red dress. This is THERESA, Brendan’s real date.

INT. THE LIZARD LOUNGE – NIGHT

Theresa sits alone obviously bored and a little let down. She is in red but is dressed more demurely, more sophisticated. There is an empty glass next to her. She checks her watch again and sighs.

A kind faced BARMAN asks her if she wants another drink. She smiles and nods yes. Deciding to grin and bear it for a little while longer.

She gets her mobile phone out and rings Karen. Who then rings Brendan.

EXT. STREET - NIGHT

Eileen walks down street. Brendan’s mobile goes off in her pocket. She takes it and glances at it. Karen’s name blinks on it.

EILEEN

(on phone)

Hello?

KAREN (O.O.V.)

(on phone)

Bren? Where’s Bren? Hello? HELLO?

EILEEN

(on phone)

Bren’s in the bathroom.

(hangs up)

Eileen stares at phone saying nothing more.

She slips it back in her pocket. With a little sneer she continues brassily on.

INTERCUT - EXT. ALLY #1 / BRENDAN’S FLAT – NIGHT

Brendan is still banging on the door screaming to be let back in. A hand grasps around Brendan’s soggy trouser leg and tugs on it.

BRENDAN

(high pitched)

Eeek!

BIN BAG BOB

Got any spare change man?

BRENDAN

Ahh! Jesus Christ!

Bin Bag Bob continues to tug on his wet leg but does not let go.

BIN BAG BOB

They won’t let you back in man. You said something about a pound? Got any spare change?

Brendan shaken for a moment with fear cringes away from the filthy man. He tries unsuccessfully to shake his leg free.

BRENDAN

No get off of me.

Hopping on one leg trying to free himself.

BIN BAG BOB

I know you have, I heard the rattle man. You’ve got change. Hey you know your pants are all wet man?

BRENDAN

I need it. Look never mind that. Don’t touch me.

He finally shakes his leg free almost falling backwards. He goes to walk off.

BIN BAG BOB

You’re legs all wet man. We make our own Karma.

Brendan walks off.

BIN BAG BOB (CONT’D)

I have a condom. You said you wanted one. I’ll sell you it.

Brendan comes back a dubious look on his face.

INTERCUT:

Brendan’s chessboard set up for a game.

INTERCUT:

BRENDAN

You have a condom?

INTERCUT:

A white pawn moves into play.

INTERCUT:

BIN BAG BOB

I might have.

INTERCUT:

A black knight moves out.

INTERCUT:

BRENDAN

You know what forget it. I don’t want no tramp’s condom.

INTERCUT:

A white pawn moves out, an indecisive move.

INTERCUT:

BIN BAG BOB

That’s harsh man. I’m a person too you know. Is she pretty?

INTERCUT:

A black pawn moves a double square freeing up the black queen.

INTERCUT:

Brendan stops and slowly turns round, Bob is interesting and not as stupid as he seems. He is rummaging in the folds of filthy clothes.

INTERCUT:

Brendan brings his knight into play.

INTERCUT:

BIN BAG BOB

You see what we have here is a classic situation of supply and demand. I have something you want. And you have something I

want. Simple economics.

INTERCUT:

Bob moves his black queen threatening Brendan’s knight.

INTERCUT:

Bob holds up a brand new condom still in its wrapper. Brendan’s eyes glaze greedily.

INTERCUT:

Brendan’s knight moves out of danger.

INTERCUT:

BIN BAG BOB (CONT’D)

I bet she’s pretty.

INTERCUT:

Bob’s moves pawn to free up his castle.

INTERCUT:

Brendan goes to take it but the Bob palms the condom and moves it out of Brendan’s reach.

INTERCUT:

Brendan’s pawn tries to take Bob’s knight.

INTERCUT:

BIN BAG BOB

Easy man. Nothing’s free. We’re negotiating. I’ll sell it to you. I know you got money. I heard it.

INTERCUT:

Bob’s knight moves easily out of reach and threatening his undefended pawn. He is two moves away from check.

INTERCUT:

Brendan pulls a face digging into his pocket and pulls out a pile of shrapnel and starts to finger it, counting it up.

INTERCUT:

Brendan misses the danger and moves his bishop into play.

INTERCUT:

BIN BAG BOB

What do you say to ten pound?

INTERCUT:

Black queen takes Brendan’s bishop. The queen and the knight now threaten on both sides.

INTERCUT:

BRENDAN

I’d say fuck right off! It’s a pound in there. I’m not paying ten pound for a grubby tramp’s jonnie.

INTERCUT:

Brendan’s queen moves into play checking Bob’s king.

INTERCUT:

BIN BAG BOB

Ah it’s a pound in there yes, but we’re not in there. Are we. And out here it’s ten pound. Hell man I know you can afford it. And I bet she’s worth it.

INTERCUT:

Bob moves pawn taking king out of danger.

INTERCUT:

Brendan puts the slummy back in his pocket thinking and pats his pockets. His wallet is in his overcoat he stares through the wall. Bob grins and shakes the condom like a sugar sachet.

Brendan stares slowly back at Bob and his eyes narrow. They stand eyes narrowing like gunslingers and there is a pause. Brendan lunges at Bob’s fist.

They struggle, a dance of grasping fists and fingers.

BRENDAN

Give me that you!

BIN BAG BOB

Aaaaaagh! Help!

BRENDAN

Scruffy pirate!

INTERCUT:

The chessboard rattles violently.

INTERCUT:

BIN BAG BOB

Thief!

BRENDAN

Me a thief? Hah!

BIN BAG BOB

Aaaagh! Rape!

BRENDAN

(worried)

Rape?

INTERCUT:

Chessboard becomes still.

INTERCUT:

There is an impasse as they stop struggling both become acutely aware that there are people moving down the alley towards them.

A dozen teenage SKATER YOBS moves into view.

Brendan and Bob are a frozen tableau of gripped fists. Panic registers on both their faces but they stay in that position, Bob still sitting Brendan standing over him.

Their leader SKIDZ (15), stares angrily at them both, their confusion as to what’s going on only making them even angrier.

SKIDZ

What the fuck is going on here?

A horrible drawn out moment were the two of them still stubbornly cling to each other. They realise that it is in their best interests to let go.

Brendan composes himself. He has gained control of the condom, it’s in his hand. He goes to explain.

BIN BAG BOB

HIM! He tried to rape me. Tried to make me do terrible things. Unnatural things for… For money! Pervert!

BRENDAN

I…

(spluttering)

I did not!

Skidz’ and the gang’s focus flicks back and forth to the two of them.

Back to Bob who for a second fumbles for a retort.

BIN BAG BOB

Oh yeah, then what’s the condom for?

He points at the implicating rubber. Brendan brings it up to his face. He ponders a range of excuses. He smiles. He frowns. He looks down at Bob.

INTERCUT:

The queen slams down hard on the board with a deadening final THUD. Checkmate.

INTERCUT:

Bob grins triumphantly. Brendan stares at the Skater Yobs. They stare back at him in grim faced silence. Brendan squeals, drops the condom, turns and runs for his life down the alley and into the night.

SKIDZ

(pointing aggressively)

Get him!

They stream as a mob down the alley after Brendan. Death to the pervert. Bob stands up chuckling, he walks to the end of the ally in the direction of the running mob.

INT. THE LIZARD LOUNGE – NIGHT

Theresa is paying her bill and leaving.

EXT. LIZARD LOUNGE - NIGHT

She exits and trots down the steps and deciding what to do next walks off up the street in the direction of The Blizzard Bar.

EXT. ALLY #1, STREET EXIT - NIGHT

Brendan hurtles pell-mell out of the ally shortly followed by the Skater Yobs.

A young policeman, PC HALLIWELL catches the commotion and quickens his pace, he reaches the ally just as Bob lumbers out too. He collars him.

PC HALLIWELL

What the devil’s going on here?

Bob’s chuckling face replaced by one of misery.

BIN BAG BOB

A pervert. A man, he tried to… To do terrible things.

Those kids saved me. He tried to ru… ru… rape me.

(sobs)

PC HALLIWELL

Jesus Christ!

(on radio)

Sierra Oscar. Two Three to Control. Yeah I’m on Palatine Street. I’m going to need some back up. Got a situation brewing down here. I mean building. Building down here.

EXT. STREET – NIGHT

Brendan runs at speed down shop fronted streets at break still pursued by the gang of Skater Yobs.

He loses a shoe. He stops hopping back but then seeing the charging gang thinks better of it and leaves running one shoed.

EXT. STREET, SHOP DOORWAY – NIGHT

He darts into the shadows of the doorway, shoulders hunched makes himself as small as possible.

The Yobs tear past in an angry whooping mob.

He waits panting till enough space between him and the mob has passed. His breath becomes slower and easier. He stops, realising he is not alone.

BRENDAN

Ah!

ARTY

Decided to take my advice eh?

BRENDAN

(breathless panic)

What?

Brendan looks out carefully into the street.

ARTY

Getting in out of the pissing rain. Soaks you right through it does.

(beat)

Do you know you’re only wearing one shoe?

BRENDAN

What? Yes. I am aware of that fact.

ARTY

You hiding?

Brendan ignores him checking the coast is clear.

ARTY (CONT’D)

What was all that fuss? That anything to do with you?

Brendan turns back and stares wide eyed at Arty. Their eyes lock, Brendan looks deranged.

There is a flicker of fear in Arty’s eyes.

Brendan’s face frozen in a grimace looks down.

Arty’s dog is humping merrily away on Brendan’s leg.

ARTY

You’re honoured. He’s normally shy with strangers.

Brendan shakes his leg to try and free himself and the dog mewls with pleasure but it does not let go.

BRENDAN

Could you please stop him from doing that?

ARTY

Best just let ‘im finish. Trust me it’s best that way.

The dog finishes and then pisses on Brendan, he is about to complain when a commotion stops him.

The Skater Yobs bustle past and Brendan freezes back into the corner. There is a WHOOP of a police siren.

People we have met before pass in the street, the odd copper as well.

They look at each other and realisation hits Arty.

ARTY

(gasp of horror)

My God… It’s you. You’re HIM!

BRENDAN

Oo-er!

Brendan darts from the shop doorway into the night and he is off again. Arty leans out and shouts.

ARTY

That’s him! That’s the PERVERT! Quick he’s getting away! The Animal had sex with my doooooooooooooog..!

INT. STREET - NIGHT

People turn to see what he is shouting at and then look in the direction of the fleeing Brendan.

Another copper, PC COBB turns and BLOWS a whistle, and begins chasing after him.

Arty bends and comforts his pet, stroking and hugging it as if it has been some terrible trauma.

ARTY (CONT’D)

There, there Biggins. The nasty man has gone now.

Brendan flees crazily down the street. One shoed, one leg covered in dog piss.

BRENDAN

I haven’t done anything.

Brendan runs for his life. Again.

We pass Theresa and stay with her. She looks back at the retreating Brendan. Standing still as Halliwell and Cobb chasing him run past. She shrugs and continues on.

She passes Eileen and they exchange double takes, two hot but very different women assessing each other, looking each other up and down.

Eileen sneers at Theresa and continues on.

Brendan runs still pursued by Halliwell and Cobb. He ducks into another ally.

INT. BRENDAN’S FLAT, KITCHEN – NIGHT

The goldfish lies on the counter and gasps, its breathing becoming shallow.

EXT. ALLY #2 – NIGHT

Brendan ducks into a wheelie bin and cowers inside.

Further off Halliwell and Cobb splash past.

Breathing heavily Brendan lifts up the lid and peers out. He hears footsteps and it slips back shut.

The two policemen from a low angle they stare back and forth in different directions. Cobb’s walkie talkie squawks into life. Halliwell lifts his.

PC HALLIWELL

(on radio)

Yeah Guv, come in.

VIC (O.O.V.)

(on radio)

What’s your status Two Three?

PC HALLIWELL

(on radio)

Yeah suspect, White Caucasian Male. Late twenties to early thirties. Five seven, slim average build. Wearing a beige suit. Dishevelled. Wearing one shoe. Attempted sexual assault on a homeless male. And…

VIC (O.O.V.)

(on radio)

And? Yes. Go on.

PC HALLIWELL

(on radio)

And a report as yet unconfirmed at this stage of an actual sexual assault on a…

EXT. STREET – NIGHT

VIC’S feet. The camera pans slowly up his legs, we see the huge brown coffee stain on his white shirt.

He is leans next to his car, the lead to a police radio stretches through the open window.

He grips the mike aggressively to his chin. Vic is the Chief of Police.

PC HALLIWELL (O.O.V.)

(on radio)

On a Staffordshire Bull Terrier.

VIC

(on radio)

Jesus H Christ on a bike! Stay in that area Two Three. We’ll send more of the boys down your way. Sweep the area properly. Guv out.

He clicks the mike back into his car as another copper, SGT BRICE comes over with a cup of coffee.

SGT BRICE

(smirking)

Coffee, Guv.

He hands it to him.

SGT BRICE (CONT’D)

Will you be alright with that Guv?

VIC

(without looking)

Do me a favour Sergeant, fuck off. Right I want a description and drawing of the suspect. Get a picture out. Interview the locals. I want to know who he is and where he has been.

(loud but to himself)

Vigilance lads! We have a madman out there to catch boys. A regular Hanibal Lecter.

(whisper)

White male? Wearing a beige suit? Hmmm.

(fingers coffee stained nipple)

Oooh!

(ouch)

EXT. FURTHER UP STREET – NIGHT

Theresa walks up the street. She is by contrast to Brendan the complete opposite, in harmony with life and her environment

She passes the Arty, already reaching into her pocket for a doggy type treat.

She feeds it to Biggins and ruffles his head, stands and smiles at Arty. He smiles back then she continues on.

EXT. PASHI ONE STOP SHOP – NIGHT

She starts to be aware of the commotion going on further up the street, the fact that there are lots of police in the street.

Bin Bag Bob is sitting on some steps and she checks that he is alright. He is wrapped in a blanket. She asks him if he wants a coffee and goes over to the all night shop over the road.

Mohinda’s cab is parked outside. She goes inside.

INT. PASHI ONE STOP SHOP - NIGHT

Vangi and Mohinda are having a heated debate.

MOHINDA

(in Urdu; English

subtitles)

It seems the Devil himself walks the very streets. The Beast, if it is the same man was in my car.

(to himself)

I shall have to get it cleaned.

VANGI

(in Urdu; English

subtitles)

He was in my shop as well.

(with fingers)

He wanted three! Count them, three thousand prophylactic sheaths!

MOHINDA

(in Urdu; English

subtitles)

He has the sexual appetite of Vishnu herself.

VANGI

This is true.

MOHINDA

He must be stopped.

They nod agreeing, lost in their own thoughts. They notice Theresa and the Mohinda moves to let his cousin serve her. They smile.

THERESA orders a coffee and leaves. They continue their heated debate in Urdu.

EXT. STREET – NIGHT

Back outside Theresa hands the coffee to Bin Bag Bob. He smiles accepting it gratefully.

The police are now handing out photocopies of the artist’s sketch of Brendan.

Eileen passes then, seeing all the police she holds her head down trying to get through them all while remaining invisible.

PC HALLIWELL

(hands out pictures of Brendan)

Be careful tonight ladies. There’s a mad rapist on the loose.

Eileen grabs one and hurries on. There is a moment of recognition from PC Halliwell as she does.

PC HALLIWELL

Miss? Er Miss?

He thinks to go after her but then changes his mind.

As soon as she is safely past she crumples it up and throws it away.

Theresa turns hers around and looks at the picture of Brendan up. It is obviously Brendan but he has been demonised in the caricature. She shudders.

PC HALLIWELL

Don’t worry Mam. We’ll find him.

Theresa looks at him and smiles kindly. She pulls her coat closer around her neck as if she was suddenly cold. Only now seeming to take in the scale of commotion around her.

We leave her lost in her own thoughts.

Other people from this evening mill about. We move to the Blizzard Bar steps and see PC Cobb interviewing the clientele of outside. He is talking to Midden and Saffy.

Lots of others from the bar stand around either listening or watching the circus. One is ignorantly wearing Brendan’s.

PC COBB

Is this the man, Sir?

MIDDEN

(glances at photo-fit)

Yeah, that’s ‘im.

SAFFY

(hugs her boyfriend)

Bleedin’ pervert.

PC COBB

Thank you for your time Sir.

(turns to leave)

MIDDEN

When you catch ‘im? This monster. (pause) Cut his fuckin’ balls off.

PC COBB

(considers for a moment)

Oh don’t you worry Sir, we will.

He doffs his helmet and walks off. This seems to sit okay with Midden and Saffy.

There is a bit of a fuss further up the street and the police, Vic included converge on the spot.

PC Halliwell crouches down. It is a low shot looking up we see the others coming closer but we cannot yet see what it is that caught his attention.

It’s like he is Indiana Jones at the beginning of the first movie when he spies the idol.

VIC

What you got Halliwell?

PC HALLIWELL

Behold…

He lifts Brendan’s shoe with the tips of his fingers.

PC HALLIWELL (CONT’D)

A clue.

Halliwell turns it around in his fingers and dog piss trickles out. His face crinkling as he cautiously sniffs it, quickly pulling it sharply away.

VIC

(unimpressed)

You mean a shoe.

PC HALLIWELL

I think it’s the suspects.

VIC

Bag it then and get it to forensics.

Next to him stands Arty. Biggins growls with displeasure but it could just as easily be lust.

Vic looks down an idea forming. Halliwell is already pulling out a forensics bag. Doing it one handed his tongue poking out from the side of his mouth concentrating hard.

VIC

Hang on Halliwell, I’ve got an idea. You. You’re the old guy that encountered this madman? It was your dog wasn’t it, that was involved with the… unpleasantness?

Arty nods.

VIC (CONT’D)

I wonder if you would permit me to use your pet’s unique abilities as part of an ongoing police investigation?

ARTY

What do you mean?

VIC

Halliwell, pass me that shoe.

Arty crouches shielding Biggins no longer wanting to put him through any more discomfort.

Halliwell passes the shoe and Vic takes it, careful to keep it covered in the plastic. Sgt Brice leans in to his ear.

SGT BRICE

(whispers)

Careful Guv, media. The world is watching.

VIC

The world is always watching. So unless you’ve any better ideas..?

Sgt Brice leans back away giving it the “I tried to warn you” look.

ARTY

What have you got in mind?

VIC

(crouches)

What’s the little feller’s name?

ARTY

Biggins.

VIC

Well hello there Mister Biggins.

It’s clear that Vic has no experience with animals.

ARTY

It’s just Biggins. I named him after that fat poof off the telly with the big red glasses.

VIC

That’s great. Look here’s the thing. As you know we have a bit of a situation here. And we would like to use your dog’s olfactory senses. Use them to apprehend the villainous perpetrator of these heinous crimes before he hurts anyone… It’s his nose. We want to use his nose to catch the bad man.

(shakes shoe)

ARTY

He’s not a sniffer dog.

Vic nods that he understands this.

ARTY (CONT’D)

And he has a cold. Terrible with the sniffles he is.

VIC

(understanding)

We only ask that he tries.

ARTY

He has been through quite a lot this evening.

VIC

I know we all have. If it works and we catch him he’ll be a hero. And you by association will be a hero too. Pictures in the local rag. Envy of all your friends. Tea with the Mayor. Who knows maybe even a medal.

ARTY

Oh go on then, you twisted my arm.

VIC

(under breath)

Thank Christ.

Vic stands up, Arty prepares BIGGINS for his task.

ARTY

This is rather exciting. Right what do you want me to do?

He waves the shoe expressively in front of Arty.

VIC

I want him to sniff this and lead us to the villain.

ARTY

Coo.

He bends down, unclips Biggins leash. Vic waves the shoe under the dog’s nose. Arty is thrilled.

VIC

Ready?

ARTY

Ready.

(to Biggins)

Over the top Biggins. Into the breach.

(kisses the dog)

Into the valley of death you shall fear no evil.

Vic rolls his eyes. Biggins sniffs the shoe and mewls with barely contained excitement and aggression. He has picked up the owner’s scent.

VIC

Now!

Arty lets Biggins go and the dog barrels off out of shot. They all follow him with their eyes.

Facing away down the street, BIGGINS racing away into the night and eventually disappearing.

The watching crowd, their faces changing slowly from excitement to confusion. Arty looks up expectantly at the police. Sgt Brice leans in once more.

SGT BRICE

Shouldn’t someone be following the dog Guv?

Vic explodes.

VIC

Good God do I have to do everything! Follow that mutt!

They chase after Biggins. It’s like the Benny Hill show.

A dog’s eye view of the street as we bound along at dog level. In black and white as we follow Biggins progress to find Brendan.

We pass people we have already met as we move. He is in a hurry but like all dogs can be momentarily distracted. It gives the others a chance to catch up while he sniffs things, or has a leak.

EXT. ALLY #2– NIGHT

Brendan is still hiding in the wheelie bin. He peeks a little, getting braver and braver as he listens to the night to see if it is safe to re-enter the world.

Happy it is he lets the lid slap all the way open. One leg over the side he struggles to climb out. It tips over and he tumbles awkwardly out.

He stands up brushing crap from his clothes. It is a futile action for he looks a mess. He is now almost feral in appearance.

He stops and listens, his head jerking back and forth up and down the alley sniffing the breeze.

Satisfied it is okay to continue, his only care now is to get home. He goes one step and freezes. He hears a strange sound.

Squinting he sees a tiny white shape appear around the far end of the ally. It neither stops nor slows but continues bulleting towards him unrelentingly.

BRENDAN

What the hell..?

It grows bigger. He can now hear noises. Crazy animal noises.

His eyes widen as he recognises Biggins the dog from earlier on. He registers shock then his eyes narrow as he remembers the incident with his trouser leg.

He takes up a defensive stance.

BRENDAN

Come on. Come on. You horny little piece of…

The dog knocks him to the floor, clawing his chest.

Brendan just manages to disengage the dog and hurl it over his shoulder. The dog rolls away, quickly rights its self and prepares for another charge.

Brendan stands and readies for another assault. The dog charges again. Brendan thinking quickly reacts at the last minute, grabbing the fallen wheelie bin, aiming the opening in the dog’s path.

Once in, he stands it up and closes the lid trapping the dog. Biggins goes insane inside.

BRENDAN

Hah! You wanna piece of me? You wanna piece…

Brendan leans on the wheelie bin for support. The dog explodes from the lid, momentarily snapping and foaming before falling back in.

Seconds later he is back up doing it again, jumping up and down inside forcing the lid the back. Brendan scrambles for a better hold, pinning the lid down.

Using all his strength he manages to keep the lid shut. He scouts for some weight to pin the dog in.

He spies an old tyre and reaches for it with his toe. He hefts it on top trapping the dog.

He pants heavily clinging to the wheelie bin like it’s a life buoy and he is a drowning man.

BRENDAN (CONT’D)

(with respect)

You wanna piece of me?

Brendan stands up. He looks at the bin and tyre, hearing the wrath of the dog inside. He boots the bin hard.

BRENDAN (CONT’D)

That’s for my pants you cock on legs.

He strides off down the alley heading for the street, his gait is slow and painful like he has just fought some arduous battle. There is almost a playful smile on his face.

The light from the streets becomes like a beacon of hope. Almost heavenly. Out of the darkness and into the light. A lone trumpet plays

Brendan staggering almost lets out a little smile as he rejoins the street. It slowly disappears as he comes face to face with the Skater Yobs.

Some are holding copies of the photo-fit drawing of Brendan. They blankly look at him some even take the time to look at the picture and compare it with the sight standing before him.

Slow thoughts cross their bovine faces.

BRENDAN (CONT’D)

Now listen…

He is no longer the agoraphobic mess he once was, he is stronger, wiser, more powerful of mind and will.

SKIDZ

Get the fucking freak animal pervert!

BRENDAN

Ah shit!

Brendan turns and runs, he will save his growing for another day. And he is off again belting down the alley once more, splashing through puddles.

BRENDAN (CONT’D)

Oh for God’s sake.

It seems he has spent most of the evening running for his life through allies and side streets. He passes the upright wheelie bin with Biggins inside still snarling its head off. He peeks out foaming at the mouth for a second as he runs past.

Brendan heads for the other end of the ally just as the mob appears at the other end. They look like rabble that would turn up at a Transylvanian castle to burn the monster.

Some are holding burning torches and garden tools.

MOB

There he is!

Brendan skids to a stop. If they catch him he will be burned, lynched or worse.

MOB (CONT’D)

Monster!

ARTY

What have you done with my Biggins?

BRENDAN

Oh you got to be kidding me?

MOB

Get him!

EXT. ALLY #3 - NIGHT

Brendan doubles back, he is getting really good at it now. This area is more industrial and the rear doors lead on to warehouses.

The Mob has now grown in size having absorbed the Skater Yobs.

Brendan frantically checks doors on either side of the entry for a way of escape.

One is unlocked and with a crazy laugh he ducks inside just as the Mob turns the corner.

They miss but some dwindle down searching anyway. PC Cobb hears the CLICK of a door locking.

INT. LOCK-UP – NIGHT

Brendan stands gripping the bar of the door lock his back to us. He is trembling and breathing heavily. His gasps get slower and slower as he calms down.

He stands up straight and turns round. His eyes widen and he freezes rigid taking in the frozen tableau in front of him in small pieces.

It is the Mr FLAX and Mr ROAST from the beginning. Flax is standing and Roast is kneeling.

Brendan takes them both in individually. With each new piece of information he takes in his eyes grow wider and his face more worried.

Roast is holding a saw and cutting up something. Scattered about are bin bags of varying sizes sealed with insulating tape. A bright lake of blood covers most of the floor.

Flax mops it up, he stops leaving large figure of eights in it revealing the floors true colour. There are several bloody saws of varying sizes.

Roast is shoving a severed hand into a bag. A man’s leg pokes out of another. We see the full picture and the full horror sinks in.

INT. BRENDAN’S FLAT, KITCHEN - NIGHT

On the counter the goldfish stops breathing.

INT. LOCK-UP - NIGHT

Brendan cannot move or think. He just stands there like a statue.

The two thugs exchange looks. They don’t speak but communicate with raised eyebrows and shrugs.

MR FLAX

(miming not speaking)

What’s this?

MR ROAST

(shrugging not speaking)

You got me.

MR FLAX

(gestures not speaking)

What should we do?

MR ROAST

(flick of his head not speaking)

Deal with it.

There is a blank expression on Flax’s face

MR FLAX

(silent)

Uh?

MR ROAST

(eyes widen not speaking)

You deal with it I’m busy.

(gesturing to the job in hand)

MR FLAX

(nods but doesn’t speak)

Okay.

Flax turns back and fixes Brendan with a gimlet stare and lets the mop fall to the floor and begins lumbering towards him. Roast shakes his head, his partner is an idiot.

The CLACK of the mop snaps Brendan out of inertia. He puts his hands up in defensive placating manner.

BRENDAN

(laughs nervously)

You’re obviously busy. I’ll leave.

He turns and opens the door only to be confronted by a startled PC Cobb. He pulls the door back shut and we hear the Mob call out that they have found him only to be cut off as the door closes.

He turns back to face Flax who has lumbered even closer, it is like Brendan had forgotten he was there. Flax lunges for Brendan but he ducks under his reach and heads for a side door.

Roast shakes his heads and sighs audibly. Flax grimaces, angered and goes after Brendan.

He goes one step then the door bursts open and cops and members of the public spew into the lock-up.

Flax turns at the commotion and slips comically in the slick blood on the floor. Roast arms himself with a saw.

The Mob, the police at the forefront and the Vic all freeze creating a long barrier as they take in the scene Brendan has just seen.

INT. LOCK-UP, WASHROOM – NIGHT

Brendan in a panic darts inside and locks the door. He jars a mop under the handle.

He is on the sink and trying to wrench the window open even though it is painfully obvious to us he is going to struggle to get through that in a hurry.

From beyond the door there are sounds of fighting and fuss. SCREAMS, WHISTLES, COP SPEAK. Brendan is about to climb out the window, just as he is about to duck through he spots an aged condom machine.

A thought crosses his mind. If he gets one he might just be able to salvage this evening. He kicks out and it opens, fresh rubbers spew out of it.

The door RATTLES.

He does not want to relinquish his position at the window and he can not quite reach with his hand. No matter how hard or for far he stretches.

The door RATTLES again, this time with a bit more urgency. He pulls his sock off and reaches with his toes, almost getting one but always a little short. It quietens down next door, more under control.

PC COBB (O.O.V.)

Police. Open up!

Soon all attention will be focused on this door. He misses a few more times and then all of a sudden it hits him.

Brendan what the hell are you doing? Let it go. A calm passes over him and he comes to a decision. He ducks out the window.

INT. BRENDAN’S FLAT, KITCHEN - NIGHT

Brendan’s fish starts breathing.

EXT. ALLY #4 – NIGHT

Brendan lands in a crouch.

He sees shiny black shoes standing there and stands up slowly. We rise with him. It is PC Halliwell, his face is calm, almost pitying.

He puts an arm on Brendan’s shoulder. Brendan sags, enough is enough.

PC HALLIWELL

I think you better come with me Sir.

Brendan nods dumbly.

He is walked round the front, through the crowd. The police hold back the crowd but they are less angry more subdued. The Skater yobs are there and the Bikers from the Blizzard Bar, they are all grinning.

BRENDAN

Hey is that my coat?

He pushed further along.

POISON

(hands credit card)

You left this.

(card is smoking)

Brendan dumbly accepts it.

BRENDAN

Thank you.

POISON

No, thank you.

Midden and the Saffy link each other, she cringes from him, he mimes getting balls cut off and sneers.

MIDDEN

Don’t come back here again man.

Arty hugs Biggins away from him. He is led up to the Vic who stands at the end like his judge. The two thugs are being put in police cars along with bloody bin bags, which are evidence.

VIC

You! I might have known.

BRENDAN

Look it’s not what you think. It’s all a huge misunderstanding. I can explain everything.

MOB

Monster! Animal!

Mohinda stands outside his cousin’s shop holding a can of cleaning spray, his back door open while he cleans the interior. He pauses to join in the shouting.

MOB (CONT’D)

Pervert! Cannibal!

Brendan turns slowly to face the crowd.

MOB (CONT’D)

Nail ‘im up! Burn him! Yeah!

BRENDAN

Is that what you want? Is that what you really think..? That I’m some kind of monster? Look at yourselves? I just went on a blind date. That’s it. It’s the first time I’ve been out of the house for a year. It didn’t exactly turn out quite the way I planned. I made mistakes, yes. Some bad choices. Some really bad choices. All over a woman. A really hot woman. But… probably the wrong woman. The wrong woman… for me. I’m a man. I’m weak. Flawed. To driven by impulses, instincts and desire. I had forgotten about what’s important. What matters.

Brendan picks out individuals to preach his sermon to, like a minister and they cannot hold his gaze.

BRENDAN (CONT’D)

Like feelings. Compassion. Compatibility. About… yes even love. If you wish to condemn me, do so for that. I’m not a monster. Or an animal. I’m just a man. Just Joe. I’m Joe Everyman.

BIN BAG BOB (O.O.V.)

Hang him anyway.

Calls from the rest of the Mob to do just that.

MOB

Yeah!

VIC

Now that’s quite enough of that. There will be no hangings tonight. Now move along. Sergeant, clear this crowd away.

SGT BRICE

Yes Sir.

The crowd is dispersed, abet reluctantly.

VIC

Right Mister Gleeson…

BRENDAN

I haven’t done anything. It’s all a big misunderstanding.

VIC

Yes, I know.

BRENDAN

What?

VIC

I said, I know. This is your wallet.

He hands it back. Brendan looks confused.

BRENDAN

But how?

VIC

We picked up this woman trying to buy stuff with your credit cards.

He indicates to the Asian shop and Vangi waves kindly. His cousin still cleaning his taxi scowls.

VIC

You have the quick thinking Officer Jones to thank for that.

Eileen is led handcuffed to a car defiant to the last. She blows a tarty kiss at him.

BRENDAN

But that’s impossible. There must be some mistake. That’s my date. A friend of my sisters. Theresa McVey.

VIC

Now that may be what she is calling herself now but this is Eileen Barker, AKA Selene Punch, AKA Candy Von Dorn, AKA The Red Scorpion.

BRENDAN

What? No. It was a blind date arranged for me by my sister tonight at The Lizard Lounge.

Brendan thumbs behind him at the Blizzard Bar.

VIC

That Mister Gleeson is the Blizzard Bar. I suggest you buy some glasses. Sir.

BRENDAN

So what, I’m free to go?

VIC

Sure, unless there are any crimes or offences you have committed tonight that I don’t know about.

BRENDAN

No. No nothing.

He eyes the coffee stain nervously.

VIC

You’re an idiot Mister Gleeson, not a criminal. That unfortunately it is not a crime.

He nods and walks away.

EILEEN

They’re right Sweetie. I never even met your sister.

She shrugs and is led away by an PC Cobb. Brendan is left lost and confused on an almost empty street.

BRENDAN

I don’t understand any of this. Then where the hell is the woman I am supposed to meet.

He drops some of his stuff. He bends to pick it up and Theresa McVeigh rushes over to help him.

They look at each other and there is an instant attraction. They stand together in silence.

THERESA

These are yours.

She hands him his things.

THERESA (CONT’D)

Brendan Glesson? I’m Theresa. I heard what you said. I thought you had stood me up.

BRENDAN

God, no. No.

They laugh nervously, first date nerves. Unaware that in passing back his things they are still holding hands.

THERESA

You’ve had quite a night.

BRENDAN

Christ I must look a sight.

THERESA

No you look fine.

BRENDAN

Look it’s probably a bit late but do still want to go and do this. Salvage what’s left of the date?

THERESA

Yeah, sure I would like that very much.

Still holding hands the two of them walk off into the moonlight, smiling lovingly into each other’s eyes.

INT. BRENDAN’S FLAT, KITCHEN – LATER THAT NIGHT

The goldfish lies on the counter on its final breaths. All blurry in the background we hear the key in the lock and Brendan moves into the flat. He sees his fish straight away rushes to his aid.

BRENDAN

Ah Jesus, Austin not again.

Brendan grabs a skillet and scoops him up and plops him back into his bowl. AUSTEN is instantly revived the second he splashes into the water. No worse for wear after his ordeal. The phone RINGS.

BRENDAN (CONT’D)

(on phone)

Hello?

KAREN (O.O.V.)

(on phone)

It’s me. How did you get on?

BRENDAN

(on phone)

What, with Theresa? Oh okay.

He sounds completely under-whelmed.

KAREN (O.O.V.)

(on phone)